the contact that you make
the moment when a memory aches
who can tell, you do it well
wishes on a wheel
how's it supposed to feel?

wind whips hair, ebony wisps into squinty eyes, lasers cast beams of artificial light across the dark waters, chatter all around, look out but do not soak in the calm, but to choose empty thoughts, no desire, no remorse, no expectations; rough flesh sliding into palm, eager to become one.

warmth of sun on my cheek, today do not feel sticky (for once), warmth of wood against my cheek, feels good to escape, feels numb, all of a sudden intoxicated by sleep...peel back eyelids to a hazy room, on this bed, hazy thoughts, unconscious found its way out

lie on stomach, hold can in one hand, pictures flash before eyes, 'dudley being fat', gulp gulp only a hint of bitter as cold slithers down throat, hear cheery laughs, bodies squirm, mouth juts forward forms o squeals, shake hands 'truce', hold a little longer smile and nod, hold a little longer the moment as it hovers, eyes say please stay.

run on a beaten path, leave a subtle stamp (yours), lush green companions at your side, eyes travel up and down down black wires stretched across hazy blue, listen to the hum of zip zap zap from above, a sweet aroma lingering- too sweet, sick sweet; but for some reason, still my favorite

notice the gray above, the gray stone bridge at your left, imagine a few water lilies peppered among the dark waters, a buzz of chit chat, laugh about bananas, the banana song, enter the garden through a halo in the white wall, wooden beams, gray stone benches, walk along the river, whip out your chinese fan, laugh some more, never stop

sit on a cold slab of rock (this is wedged between brick), hands push into puffy pockets, stare out into night, 'the city life', air enters and exits the o, here to escape the laughs, the need to be peppy, the f ache, air enters and exits the o

in shade, munch on rubber hot dog, cardboard pretzel, ooze of ketchup, just sit on the steps, chat about everything at once, trees part to welcome the view, chat about nothing at all, blue skies blue skies- sit on a cushioned seat, move underground, a dark view.

Down the street, air tight, squeeze my sides, orange lights hover, walk-a little rush, down down, turn right, across the twenty-four hour mickey d's, my favorite kebobs, pick out the mushroom, chicken, buns, potato on a stick, watch as they slather on spice, turn over again, his ears plugged, shiny face, place them in styrofoam boxes, slip them into bags, mouth burns a bit.

sddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddsddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

escape the toxic fumes, out into cool night, girl wobbles down stair, two men (by her side) arms weighed down by arms, she slips- I turn to a familiar voice, warm yellow light illuminates face, peer up to eyes, soft hazel- a little too soft, even shallow, was it the light, the liquor? Turn to face a sky, my bud the moon.

Cool night, different from the muggy day, head tilt to the side, feet propped on tough black net of metal,  wear the blue superman shirt, warm yellow light makes her cheek glow- just a little, 'I want to be carefree' she sighs, incense reaches our nose, silver wisps of smoke cling to our skin, eyes travel a path of puff up, up away, into the nest of baby stars (not twinkling, but there to stay) and still, the laughter beneath reminds her of something, someone gone.

Take the elevator down to the first floor, step outside and for once air is a little loose, sandals slap tiles, step into the mini mart (once a hole in the wall) fluorescent lights with a blue tint, cold penetrate every fiber in body, sandals slap tiles, open fridge door and pull out Mongolian yogurt. Stand there and think for a while. 

like the many things that come and go, hope for something more than this pattern. here and now, I choose to have faith,

Really hurts me to see her feelin the universe crumble, holdin on to the many fears and disappointments all in one bundle. Really tried to place myself back then so I could help her cope, but all I could remember was how the little thoughts stayed, cooped up, so much but not enough to fill the spaces (large spaces). I hope she never feels how large the space is, hope no one will ever ever
find empty.

A little late to work but worth the time reading a letter that filled me up to the brim. Come home. One person I turn to, even though he does not understand how I think, does not know the person I am today. But with blood, always find insurance, reassurance, unconditional positive regard, something that is whole,

Saved the card for needy times - so the other night I tore the tape off, read and read
only to find myself heavy, heavier, heaviest. But really,
where does this grace come from? Feel like some people are too good to me; they should realize that the good they see in me is all (thanks to) them and more. Blue tractor, feet propped up on dashboard, plastic prayers spinning and many other little things- does not matter where it comes from, or why it is here now; think that I'm lucky to have such good at my side (love you all)

Short difficult to match up with long, quick ones- but I'm trying, trying.
Something surreal about being with the towers and cables, the patches of grass, swamp, dirt, gravel, a living breath at my side, a little breeze a long while...not the scenery, not nature; just a moment of being almost-

Walking through grass- a little too wet- feet in cold puddles but in comparison I feel nothing but a tickle because there is something bigger
out there
     in there
        in here
          inside.

Pushing forward as hate crept into all slits and spaces, so much bitter that masks the sharp sting in the thighs (sensitive to slight elevation). Remember the second of realization (my lack of mercy), back/before then I would feel guilt for this anger but I guess I have changed with time.
Dishonesty in character is the breaking point and it's prominent now because of a certain hurt. Saw the fake in him and I'm reminded (though not conscious of the point at that moment) of another, or maybe of myself and that might explain
such hate.

When there is so much sky
in one night you can
swallow it feel it slide down
throat breathe in feel your lungs
fill with the good
ness of one night, this night
When there is so much sky
tonight you can swallow.

Quiet eighteen.
Saw Shen. Pizza and drinks. Card, scarf, little address book. Keeper.
Mall, a little bit.
Work.
Ate a lot.
Bought earrings.
Barnes and Noble.
Quiet.

Something
is wrong- but I can't pinpoint it close enough. Past three weeks and I still feel the hurt of void. Thought yesterday would make things a little better but who am I kidding- a few stomach drops, body free falling through air helped only a little. Think that friends made it lighter-